Dear Alma,
This may be a silly story, but I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating about six years now. We’ve had our ups and downs and all, but this by far has been the worst I’ve ever felt. He cheated on me with my BFF. I found out five months later because my “BFF” (who is no longer a friend) decided to text me and tell me. So when I confronted him about it, he kept lying, saying she came on to him first, but she would say he did first. I didn’t want to believe it at first because I trusted him SO much, but then I got a couple other calls from a few other women saying that he’s been messing around with them as well. That’s when I knew he HAD to be cheating. Of course, I was heartbroken and all that, but I just don’t know what to do … I wanted to get married, have kids, etc. I wanted this relationship to work, talk out our problems, but at the same time I’m not letting no man cheat on me. I need some advice!
Hey Sweetpea: This isn’t silly. You’re a bright girl, and you already know what to do. Like so many others, you could wait until after you’re married and after you’ve had kids, while he continues to mess around on you, if you’d like. Marriage doesn’t prevent someone from cheating. You don’t get married and then all of a sudden become honest. And TBT, I’ve got a feeling that part of your relationship will never change.
For the past six years, you seem to be comfortable parked on the road of deception. Enough is enough. When he crossed the line with your BFF, that was your cue. It doesn’t matter who initiated it. Both are liars. Don’t just drop her; drop him, too.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, offer her the same courtesy. It will bring you peace of mind. They both are equally to blame. Stop, rewind, play it again. I think my sistah’s need to hear me one more time — they are BOTH equally to blame!
And for the sake of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, girl, Let-Him-Go! You may not feel it today, but after you’ve moved on, you’ll be on your knees shouting a prayer of thanks, wondering why you stayed so long.
Chalk this up as a life lesson. In your next round of relationships, you’ll recognize those red flags immediately! Different names, same games, but no worries for you. Professor Experience has taught you well.
You don’t need my advice — you need confirmation. So here it is. I’m giving you permission to walk away. Believe that you’re able and capable of being a part of a lifelong, loving relationship, filled with honesty and respect. You’re so close; take that leap of faith. Don’t look back.
Over time, as your heart is mending, I can’t begin to tell you how grateful you’ll be with this decision. It’s a blessing you’ve got to feel for yourself.
— Alma
Dear Alma,
My husband and I have been married for eight years. He was my first love, and I love him dearly. We have four children, ranging in age from 10 years to 8 months. I am dedicated to my husband and our children. While I was pregnant with our last child, he had an affair and fathered a child with that woman. He and I have worked through our problems and are determined to make our marriage work. We have opened our home and will raise the other child with our children. My sisters and my girlfriend say I’m crazy and that I should not forgive him. Every time we are together, they make me feel stupid and say things that hurt my feelings. I don’t want to stop seeing them, but how can I get them to leave it alone and stop making me feel bad?
— Signed, iforgivehim
Infidelity is extremely heartbreaking, and to have it happen while you’re pregnant rates as a super-sized undeserving blow. But that’s not the question you asked. As for regaining the respect of your sisters and girlfriend, that might be harder than the reconciliation between you and your husband. A best friend and/or sister-girl can be a tough nut to crack. You know how we are — wobble-neck and all, LOL. Truth be reminded, though, they are coming from a place of love, concern and protection. I’m sure it was hard for them to witness your fears and tears of heartache and pain. Now that you and your husband have retied the ties that bind, you want them to be forgiving of him as well. Come on — you know that’s not how this ball is dunked. It’s much easier for a spouse to forgive, forget and move on than it is for an extended family member.
Continue to remain strong in your faith and decision to hold on to your husband and the unity of family. As long as you both are at peace with your decision, it doesn’t matter what others think or say, including me. Only you and your husband know the details of what goes on in your prayer closet. If your best life includes standing by your man, stand tall, chest out, feet firmly planted. Explain to your sisters and girlfriends how much their support means to you. Ask them to respect your decision to stay, just as they would have respected your decision to leave. Remind them to refrain from using words that are damaging and hurtful. When the conversation leads to negative comments, defend yourself and especially your husband with a positive response. Redefine how you allow others to speak about your family. It will take a while for them to come around, so be patient. Keep your head up! You are an excellent reflection and supreme example of the ability to forgive.
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